no such thing as a life better than yours

just turned 20, and was thinking about the past year. the decisions, and the consequences.
last year had been a rollercoaster. in fact, it was definitely the most happening year yet.
so many firsts.

• got a job
• got fired
• moved out of my home
• new city
• ran a 10k
• went on a trek with strangers
• gifted something not to myself
• (probably) first time being <20% body fat
• so many new emotional firsts (to say the least)
• met so many new people and gathered so many new ideas (butterfly effect at its finest)

everything feels surreal
and strangely unserious.

somewhere along the way i realized:
a lot of what we do is just made up.

careers are made up.
deadlines are made up.
thoughtful looking linkedin posts are definitely made up.

the idea that your life needs to “go somewhere” is mostly a story; a belief people keep repeating so that everything feels less random.

maybe it's useful. maybe it's cope.

because if you question the game too much, you start to question if it is just a competence issue
sour grapes?

not really
if i'm being honest, i believe there are people in the world who would run my life 10× better if they were dropped into my exact life right now.

make better decisions.
move faster.
waste less time.

so why even bother?
and more importantly - why do i even deserve whatever it is that i think i deserve?

i don't think anyone does. maybe the opposite is closer to reality:

you deserve whatever you end up with.
that sounds harsh. analogous to saying the end justifies the means. and it doesn’t feel morally satisfying.

but observationally, it seems closer to how the world actually works.

no one else is really responsible for your life. people might say they care, and sometimes they do, but ultimately their lives are their priority. and yours has to be yours.

which leads us to
the only belief that actually keeps a person is that their life matters more than anything else.

perhaps that belief is narcissistic. or perhaps it is necessary.
and there really is no such thing as a life better than yours.

not because it objectively is. but because it’s the only one that could ever truly matter to you.